Seitan, Mushroom, and Leek Buckwheat noodles with Pureed Sweet Potatoes & Kale

I'm back to school now and that means it's super important for me get all my vitamins so I can always be the smartest one in class. So for dinner last night I made sure I got plenty of FIBER, IRON, CALCIUM, VITAMIN B6, VITAMIN C, VITAMIN E, VITAMIN K, and VITAMIN A. Can you even believe there are that many vitamins in one meal?

This is what it looks like when you put so many vitamins together: 

It looks a little gross! But I promise you it was very delicious and vitamin-packed. 

How To Make The Orange Stuff: Sweet Potato & Squash Puree

• Peel your butternut squash. (I used a half a squash and had plenty left over. Which is awesome because they are cheap and they last for awhile!) You can peel your sweet potato too, but that just means you are peeling off all of it's nutritional value. Do you love your body? Your choice!
• Cut up your sweet potato and squash into smallish chunks. 
• Spread your chunks onto a baking pan and pour a small amount of olive oil over it. Bake for 10-15 minutes. AT THE SAME TIME you should: roast 2 cloves of garlic. 
• How do I do that? Easy. put two cloves of garlic on the same pan with your squash. LEAVE THE PAPER ON. pour olive oil on top and oven it. 
• The garlic will be done roasting in about 8 mins, so don't forget about it. 
• After the squash bakes for 10-15 minutes, put it in a sauce pan with a few tablespoons of butter or some olive oil. AT THE SAME TIME you should: take the paper off your roasted garlic (it should fall right off) and throw it in your saucepan with the squash/potatoes. 
• Let it cook for 20 or so minutes, stirring and start to mash your oranges and garlic together. 
• After the mixture is at a "mashed potatoes" like consistency, add a few sniggles (apprx: 1 tsp) of nutmeg, ginger, and cayenne. Fold it all in. 
• Voila.

What About The Kale?

• Everyone knows that kale is the best thing for your body. So keep it simple. 
• Destem your kale & rip it into bite sized rips.
• "massage" your kale in a bath of olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper. Massage for 2.5 minutes. 
• Throw it in a sauce pan on medium heat and stir. 
• Don't cook it too long. Make sure it stays fresh. 
• Top it with some sesame seeds if you are trying to impress someone. 

What's That Stuff That Looks Like Worms?

• Those are buckwheat noodles, and they are a lovely gray color and that's how you know they are better for you than other noodles. 
• You make them just like you would spaghetti noodles, but with just a little more tlc. 
• You can buy these noodles in your health market or co-op and most like your Asian market. 
• I would recommend breaking them in half before boiling,  because they tend to cling to each other. 
• Boil them in water with lemon juice if you'd like. OR boil them in a vegetable or mushroom stock. They absorb flavor really nicely. 
• When they are tender, strain them.let 

And All Over Those Worms?

• That's your seitan, mushroom, leek gravy. 
• First, cut your seitan into strips, or little coins.
• cut your mushrooms into slices and sautee in a vegan butter along with some minced garlic. 
• once your mushrooms are browned a little add 2 cups of mushroom broth. 
• now you add your seitan, a few sniggles of terragon, pepper, a tablespoon of nutritional yeast, and IF YOU WANT a dash of cooking wine. 
• let it simmer for another 10 minutes. 
• viola

Now you just put it all on a plate and eat it. I would even recommend mushing it all together and eating it.  You've never been so full of vitamins. 

After you're done eating, you'd might as well do some online shopping. 
I'd start here with my awesome friends awesome jewelry: 
✄ NEON MAGIC ♀

^^^^Click that link!

THE BEST SANDWICH YOU WILL EVER EAT

So you used to like sandwiches, but then you became vegan. Now you think there's nothing good to put in your bread. YOU'RE WRONG AGAIN.

Here's me eating my favorite sandwich ever:

It's not a secret recipe. I'll tell ya what it is, no worries.

WHAT IT IS:

-2 pieces of bread. Buttered (earthbalance, please) and toasted (a little burned, please)
-3-4 slices of Tofurky Honey Roasted Turkey (4 slices, please)
-slather on some Apple Butter. 
-top with a few Red Hot Blues tortilla chips to get that crunch factor. 
Here's a picture in case you don't get out much:

****Pro tip!

-> put the chips on top of the apple butter to avoid slippage. 

Now you have the best sandwich you'll ever eat. And the good thing is: you can eat it anywhere!

That's right. Eat it on the way to work, at work, in your bed, on your couch, in someone elses bed, with a baby, without a baby.  Anywhere. 

xoxoxo

It's time to talk about the Orange Rabbit Muffins

Here's the deal with my baking abilities. I'm a horrible baker. I'm not being humble, I honestly have never successfully baked anything. But, I never ever give up either. So when I got the idea for "Orange Rabbit Muffins" from the wonderful coffee bar that I work at, Wake Up, Iowa City. Check this place out. Best coffee anywhere, I just knew I had to make them.  One of the many wonderful beverages we serve at Wake Up Iowa City is the "Orange Rabbit Juice." That's carrot, apple, and ginger juice brewed from the one and only Jack Lalanne Power Juicer. One of my duties as employee is to dump all the leftover juice guts, but why waste such a wonderful by product? I thought, put that shit in some vegan muffins and call it "Orange Rabbit Muffins." So, if you have a juicer, juice up 2 small apples, 3 carrots, and 2-3 chunks of fresh ginger. If you don't have a juicer, get your grater out.

Here's my recipe:

--2 cups of flour
--1 cup of sugar
--some sniggles of clove, nutmeg & allspice
--a large sniggle of cinnamon
--2 tsp of baking soda
--2 cups of soymilk
--2 cups of apple, carrot, ginger guts.

 MIX TOGETHER

Then I preheated the oven to 350 degrees and poured my batter into muffin cups. I put it in the oven and about 15 mins later They were burning up my mouth. Now is where I'm going to be totally honest with you. The muffins I made were terrible. I mean to tell you that they tasted more vegan than anything has ever tasted.

Here's a picture of those offensive buggers:

So you're wondering why I'm sharing this recipe with you? Because I've done some serious thinking.

What this recipe needs is some good stuff...
--instead of regular soymilk use coconut milk.
--put in some extra sugar, try brown sugar.
--USE APPLESAUCE. Duhhh, it just needs a little bit of applesauce and a lot less flour. try 1/2-3/4 cup of applesauce and reduce the flour to about 1 cup or 1 1/4 cup tops.
--add some walnuts. Don't add walnuts if you have a nut allergy. 
--put some butter in it.

I almost guarantee that you can make these muffins delicious. Just learn from my mistakes.

xoxoxoxxo

Oy Vey, Alicia Silverstone's Latkes!

Happy Hanukkah you Shiksas. Jewish or not, everyone loves Alicia Silverstone. 

But do you really know her? 

FIVE FACTS ABOUT ALICIA SILVERSTONE

1. Her parents are named Monty and Didi
2. She was name PETA's "Sexiest Vegetarian Ever" in 1994. 
3. She is in a few Aerosmith Videos---including this weird one where she makes out with Liv Tyler. AEROSMITH'S DAUGHTER. 

Why did Aerosmith do such a weird thing??

4. Her eyes are not just green, but "emerald."

5. She loves to be healthy!

6. Bonus fact: she may or may not feed her children with the "baby bird feeds her chicks" method. 

However,  The most important gift Alicia has given us is her latke recipe. 

Here is a link to her Food Blog: 

vegan latkes!

that's right, I do not claim to be the creator of this recipe by any means.

But, here is what we made: 

They were pretty good, though we had to add just a little more flour, because they were falling all over the place!

A word to the wise: best served with: Apple sauce,vegan sour cream, and Debbie Friedman's Mi Shebaeirech. 

(R.I.P)

XOXOX

Best Tempeh EVER

So, you wanna make the best tempeh ever, but you're kind of a dummy. Don't worry about it!

1). Buy some tempeh. I always buy soy, because flax and seeds are gross!
2). cut the tempeh into triangles, as shown
3). boil all your tempeh for about 15-30 minutes. The more you boil it, the better it will be!
4). while your tempeh is boiling, mix your marinade.
FOR THE MARINADE:
-all you need for a great marinade is a lot of great condiments that you love. You can put whatever the hell you want in your marinade, as long as some quantity of BBQ sauce is present.
Here's what I mixed up:
-BBQ, Ketchup, soy sauce, ginger, apple cider vinegar, salt & pepper, lemon juice, agave nectar, coca cola, brown sugar, garlic & onion powder.
But do whatever you want!
5). Alright, so your tempeh is boiled. Strain it, and but it in your condiment bath. Leave it there for as long as you can stand. Again, the longer, the better it will taste.
6. THE LAST STEP: cook in a medium saucepan with some EVOO.
~*~*you're gonna love it.

Now you want to know what that Mac & Cheeze is doing on the plate. I'll tell you: my pal Rosie told me about it. So, consider it her recipe.

How you do it, I think:
-mix in a bowl: 2 cups of nutritional yeast, 3 table spoons of garlic sat, 2 tablespoons of onion powder, salt, pepper, 3 tablespoons of Earth Balance, anywhere from 2-3 tablespoons of cornstarch, as much cayenne pepper as your mouth can handle, and enough water to make it smooth and creamy.
-boil your noodles, strain noodles, pour in cheese mixture and heat over stove!

Then, eat it.

Mojitos For the Wintertime

There's nothing less appropriate than mojitos when it's 30 degrees out. But, I bought a whole lot of fresh basil last week, and I'm out of spaghetti. So, it's time to drink it. Here's how you will do it. 

~*~Basil Mojitos~*~

What you're gonna need:

1). 4-5 leaves of fresh basil per drink

2. 1 bottle of rum. (you'll use a doubleshot in each drink.)

3. Club Soda

4. ice cubes

5. 1-2 tablespoons of brown sugar

6. 4 lime wedges per drink

** just buy cheap rum. it works great for this recipe. unless you have lots and lots of money, then you should buy good rum. 

What you're gonna do:

1. grind up the basil either with a mortar & pestle or chop it. Drop that sloppy mess in the bottom of your cup.

2. squeeze 3 of your lime wedges into your glass, and leave the rinds at the bottom

3. add the sugar

4. add the ice cubes

5. add the double shot 

6. add enough club soda to double your double shot.

7. slip a lime wedge on the rim of your glass, because you are fancy.

REQUIRED: some of your favorite people to drink your drink. 

Monday Funday: GYROS ALL 'ROUND

That's right, everyone. It's Monday, and that means gyros.
First you should go to the store, and you'll need to go to a store where you can buy SEITAN. You can make it yourself, but that seems like a lot of work, so you should probably just buy it. So once you're at the store you will need to scavenge for the following items:

-24 oz of SEITAN.
-No-chicken-broth
-fresh dill
-3 potatoes
-pita bread
-vegan sour cream
-2 cucumbers
-2 onions
-2 tomatoes
-fresh garlic
-If you live in a respectable household, you will probably already own these necessary items: cayenne pepper, salt, REAL pepper, olive oil & soy sauce. So in this case, you won't need to buy any of this from your grocery store.
-For your own safety, you should stock up on some band-aids. The chances you will cut yourself are almost 100%.

So, now you're home, and you've let the dog out and hidden her feces in a pile of leaves and you're ready to start cooking. First you are going to get that seitan soakin'.

Seitan is packaged in block formation, so just start cutting thin strips right off the side. Put the strips in a bowl, and pour enough broth on the seitan that it's kind of taking a bath. Then add a 1/2 cup of soy sauce, and a few dashes of salt, a dash of pepper, and a small dash of ketchup. You'll then leave the seitan to marinade while you make the rest of your meal. But don't neglect it now, be sure to mix it around every once in awhile.

Now it's time to make your tzatiki sauce. And get excited about it. Follow these simple steps, and don't even worry about it.

1). peel your cucumber.
2). grate the cucumber into a mixing bowl, and squeeze out all the cucumber water you can. Add both the juice and the shavings to the bowl.
**OR if you are one of the fortunate few to own a juicer (I am) it's waaaaay easier to juice your cucumber. Pour the juice into your mixing poor, and add the cucumber pulp.**
3. Chop up that dill. Chop it real good too. Otherwise it gets stuck in your teeth, and you'll get embarrassed. Add it to the bowl.
4. then add your vegan sour creme.
5. then add some cayenne. (Remember that cayenne makes food spicy.)
6. Add some lemon juice, some salt, some pepper.
7. chop up 3 cloves of garlic. To the bowl.
TA DA! Tzatziki as easy as that.

Now's a good time to remember your friend seitan. Give 'er a little mix.

Now you're gonna make some fries. Cut your potatoes into wedges. Don't cut a little bit of your hand off. I did! Be sure to throw away any potato that you might bleed on. Once you've taken care of that, Salt and pepper the rest of your fries. A little cayenne to add some heat. Pour oil on them. Put them in the oven at 425 and leave them til they are brown.

Now you're gonna prepare your seitan. dump yout seitan and it's bath into a sauce pan on medium heat. Let it cook down until all the juice is gone. This should take about 20-25 minutes. While you're waiting for seitan, dice your other cucumber and tomatoes. Add some olive oil, vinegar, salt and pepper.

Personally, I need my pita to be warm and soft. So put it in the microwave for 45 seconds.

Now you put it all together.

Seitan first, in the middle of the pita, then tomatoes and cucumbers, then tzatiki. Fries on the side.

pro-tip: pour the tzatziki all over your fries.

Now serve your food to friends, moms, lovers, or enjoy solo. But a word to the wise: don't serve this on a first date! First of all, your breath won't be great. You also will look like a big slob eating this, and you won't be able to enjoy yourself if you're trying to be polite.

This is Merit eating her gyro. She says "this is my favorite food ever."